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During the past 3 weeks I have changed my future
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So yesterdau was an emotional day… Im proud of myself for not re as cting the way I wanted to… I love my father and all but im definiteky tired of him saying words that cut worse than a knife… Yesterday I found out I blew my engine (for the 2nd time) because I carelessly didnt get the lil pan fixed like ol was susposed to… So instead of costing 300 its now going to cost my dad 2500… And with ny father money has always been his main goal in life.. He would rather work than come to my games or activities I was involved in.. I literally would go a month without seeing him when his job was one where he should be home 3 days work 4… So I hate him for that… He always said well ur mother doesnt work so I have to work for 2… But do we need the nicest of things? My mom who doesnt deserve anything is driving a almost new merceedes… He has 3 properties one in big bear and the other 2 in moval… I dont know maybe my values r different but id rsther have nothing but have ny family.
And anywho he told me last that im basically an irresponsible piece of shit for my car breaking… And now he is out 2500 for nothing… Which he has a point but im paying him back for it… Also I live on my own I pay my own bills I work almost everyday and I go to school so am I really that irresponsible? I try my best to do the right thing but sometimes im going to fall… But my dad doesnt see that… So now my dad wants nothing to do with me and it hurts that it took money to separate us… And it nakes me so mad that if he was so worried about my car it seriously took him a month to even give me the time of day to talk to me… Wait no I called him.. So how good of a father was he being?
Cant wait to leave and totally clear my head… So many things r rushing through my head… and I dont have time to sit and think thimgs out anymore… All I can do now until I leave is sit drown my thoughts with my earphones on listening to 98 degrees…
What do I want? Who do I want? Wtf am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Am I hurting anyone? Do I hzve true feelings for this person? Am I over my past? Is this right for me and my future?
For once I want to have all the answers… I hate the feeling of unknown… I hate caring and waisting time thinking about something that may or may not be anything… Is this really how life is? Or am I waisting my life over things that dont matter..
This is why I hate being alone… If anyone knows the real me they know I hate dealing with things… I am one that hatesss being by myself because I end of thinking about things im trying to forget…
Its sad because I honestly have no one I ca nm truely talk to about everything I’m going through… I have my close friends who I occassionally talk to about stuff… But no one truely knows or even cares… it hurts when ok m in deep thought and someone asks me whats wrong … I say nothing but there is something wrong…
I dont know why I picked this time and this moment to spill my heart out on tumblr which im probably going to rrgret after I post this but o well… Cant live life with regrets right?
![So yes its true i got a new job… wait maybe i should be knocking on wood because im not technically out of backgrounds yet “knock” “knock” but im more than sure that im going to pass (since i havent been to jail) lol… But ya im so excited… i will be working as a security guard at sony music… I will be sitting behind a desk opening doors for celebs and answering phones… (getting paid to sit and talk on the phone? bomb) So i have been going a little shopping crazy… But its got the job so its okay right? I bought a new lunch carrier thing which is super cute… once i start this job im going to start eating a lot better since i pretty much have to because i wont be able to go get lunch (the job is in beverly hills and if u know anything about that you know that you can either buy really expensive food anddd ya thats about it) so ya im going to be making my lunches (the first time sincccceeee ummmm middle school?) What else… O i went crazy at bath and body works for their semi annual sale… I bought maybe 40 dollars worth or body sprays, and shower gels… And then probably 30 at victorias secret on lotions and my favorite body spray (Which i want to go back and get another one because its wonderful) I have also been shopping a lot because its almost my birthday :] im gonig to be turning 22 on the 30th which im really kinda sad because i dont want to get older… And it seems like after u turn 21 time goes by really fast… :[ i want to be 21 forever :[ o well… but ya i am just rambling waiting for my laundry to be done… i forgot how much clothes i have… i need to start washing them instead of buying new ones when all my others are dirty lol… okay im done :]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmpa40qdET1qk1c56o1_400.jpg)
So yes its true i got a new job… wait maybe i should be knocking on wood because im not technically out of backgrounds yet “knock” “knock” but im more than sure that im going to pass (since i havent been to jail) lol… But ya im so excited… i will be working as a security guard at sony music… I will be sitting behind a desk opening doors for celebs and answering phones… (getting paid to sit and talk on the phone? bomb) So i have been going a little shopping crazy… But its got the job so its okay right? I bought a new lunch carrier thing which is super cute… once i start this job im going to start eating a lot better since i pretty much have to because i wont be able to go get lunch (the job is in beverly hills and if u know anything about that you know that you can either buy really expensive food anddd ya thats about it) so ya im going to be making my lunches (the first time sincccceeee ummmm middle school?) What else… O i went crazy at bath and body works for their semi annual sale… I bought maybe 40 dollars worth or body sprays, and shower gels… And then probably 30 at victorias secret on lotions and my favorite body spray (Which i want to go back and get another one because its wonderful) I have also been shopping a lot because its almost my birthday :] im gonig to be turning 22 on the 30th which im really kinda sad because i dont want to get older… And it seems like after u turn 21 time goes by really fast… :[ i want to be 21 forever :[ o well… but ya i am just rambling waiting for my laundry to be done… i forgot how much clothes i have… i need to start washing them instead of buying new ones when all my others are dirty lol… okay im done :]
Today was a really bad day… all i can do is think about what my next step is… I dont know why but im the queen of stressing out on stuff that i ultimately can fix if i just went out and did it… i have been wanting to get a new job for awhile… gatten sushi is not paying the bills anymore… and i really want to get a job where its stable… and gatten isnt that at all… so tomorrow hopefully if i dont find an excuse im going to a couple companies and see what i can get… hopefully i can get something that will work with my school schedule… i cant keep putting off school… I also need to get back into my workout/diet thing… i swayed off it for awhile… i mean im still exercising but dieting… not so much… so tomorrow is day one…
About me
21 years young...single and independent....
my family and friends mean everything to me...
college student...
criminal justice major...
dream job is helping the youth...
server by day security guard by night...
working on my pursuit of happiness...
music lover...
dreamer...
hopeless romantic...
loves long walks on the beach...
cuddling watching movies on a cold night...
texting is life...
